The Night Before Leah's Birthday

Maybe I’m just a little hard-headed…

And stubborn.

And impatient.

And moody.

And emotional.

This past week has been a major roller-coaster for me.

My world of Down syndrome has been tough.

I must begin by apologizing for being so harsh towards my local support group. I think I misjudged them and portrayed them inappropriately. I probably misunderstood a lack of passion for lack of support and there is definitely a difference. It’s like when you get a new car. To you it is the best car ever, to others it’s a nice car but maybe not the best. They are happy for you, but have other cars on their minds…

Make sense?

It all started with the lack of passion for my idea, (to consult with parents by my local group) which kinda deflated my passion too.

Then the speech therapist was talking about Leah to a stranger.

Then we had a not-so-good hearing test.

Then she was labeled, "severely delayed," in the speech report and was approved for speech therapy 3 times a week (we are only doing 2).

I am grateful for Leah's ability to have the services available to her, but I wish she didn’t need them.

And that report was tough to read.

It was like Down syndrome was thrown at me again this week, and boy, it came with a vengeance.

Now, it is the day before Leah’s birthday.

I am so excited for her to have a great day!

I can’t wait for the special meals, watching her open her presents first thing in the morning, cake and ice cream (don’t forget the extra scoop for crawling! ;)), and playing, playing, playing.

I want to do nothing but celebrate this little love muffin, yet I keep feeling tears well up in my eyes because of the memories of the hours and days after her birth.

I keep having flashbacks of the sadness from a year ago.

I keep feeling the emptiness in my stomach.

I keep remembering the anxiety.

I keep getting glimpses of the despair.

Then I look at her and it goes away...

...She will smile, make a silly face, point at something, yell at something/someone, or just look incredibly adorable, and I forget it all.

She did that to me last year too.

Every time I felt like I couldn’t take it any longer, I would go to Leah and know that things weren’t so bad.

Her love radiated then, just as much as it does now.

I can’t wait to count the smiles she gives me tomorrow because I’m sure there will be a ton.

But, I most definitely wish the touches of sadness would go away.

How can I be sad with such an amazing kid in my arms?

I think that part of the mourning is still with me a little. Maybe that’s why I have taken things so hard this week. I’m hoping that tomorrow it will disappear again and we can just celebrate the birth of one of the coolest people in the universe!

I’ll be sure to let you know how it went! ;)