Inadequate Mama

For the first time in my life, I feel like an inadequate parent.

I have always known how to raise my children in a way which would help them reach their optimum potential.

I have always relied on my instincts and intuition to be a good mommy and they have served me well.

I have always felt proud of my performance in my calling as a mom.

Until now…

Leah has really slowed down her progressing.

She is doing well in school. Not great. But good enough.

She is starting to have a hard time in social situations.

Her reading is ok, but she isn't the rock star she used to be.

Shopping with her is horrible.

I would say her behavior is like a 3 1/2 year old's.

That's almost an 1 1/2 year delay.

I would say her speech is like a 2 1/2,  maybe 3, year old's.

That's atleast almost a 2 year delay!

And I don't know what to do.

I am overwhelmed.

I know I should be reading more.

I know we should be cutting more.

I know we should be socializing more with other kiddos her age.

But those things are hard most of the time sometimes with her.

I kinda don't know where to start.

Her delays are overwhelming.

I have been relying a lot on her therapists and teachers to help her.

I feel like I am failing in my calling with her.

I feel like I am not good enough to be her mama.

I feel like she deserves so much more than I am giving her.

And it breaks my heart.

And I don't know where to start to find my way with her.

I probably should be praying more.

That always helps.

But it seems like my prayers have been going unanswered lately.

Or maybe I'm not praying hard enough?

In a few days we have her first CSE (Committee on Special Education) meeting and there are going to be TEN other people there to talk about how to best serve Leah.

How am I going to help guide that meeting if I don't know how to best serve my own daughter?

Talk about stress…