Yesterday, I attended a baby shower for my sweet cousin. It was beautiful really. The décor was welcoming, the food was great, (thank you grandmas for your amazing Italian cookies! ;) the people were friendly, the service was wonderful, and the presents! Oh my, the presents!
Oh yeah, I got a pretty cool prize too!
Within 10 minutes of being there though, I had to go to the restroom because I was in tears.
UGH!
Stupid emotions.
When babies are born (well I guess we can add getting ready to be born too, now) it all comes back.
The memories of that horrible/beautiful time when Leah was brought into this world.
My heart just aches and aches.
When I sat down I remembered that it was about exactly one year ago that the shower was for me.
It was a beautiful shower too.
I was getting ready for my “perfect” little princess.
The “tie-breaker.”
The next to last baby because I certainly couldn’t have an odd number.
We had never been so prepared for anything before(I didn’t have to buy diapers for about 6 months! :))
We had no idea what was ahead.
The sonograms were fabulous. My health was perfect (I only gained 5 lbs!). We were SO ready. I loved my pregnancy with Leah.
I don’t think I wish I knew.
I would’ve worried too much.
I was lying in bed thinking, and talking with Steven, about it all last night.
I wish…
The Doctors were a little nicer when breaking the news. Not that they were mean just a little too matter-of-fact.
I had a better understanding what Down syndrome was (I pictured people who were institutionalized).
I didn’t have to be away from my other kids for so long.
I didn’t feel so much sorrow.
I wasn’t so scared.
The pain wasn’t so hard to bear.
I knew more about it all.
I wouldn’t change…
Leah, of course!
The time Steven and I had to grow together.
The knowledge I’ve learned.
The advocacy spirit I have been given.
The gentleness Leah’s siblings have towards her.
The knowledge I’ve been able to share.
That we were so prepared…
There are just too many things that I wouldn’t change, to list them all.
My cousin’s baby shower was very eye opening. Maybe I needed those tears to help me cope just a little more with it all. I do feel better today and it helped me put things a little more in perspective.
Leah’s birth has been such a blessing for us. We have so many things to be grateful for because of it.
Even if it started as a nightmare.
I know our situations are completely different, but I go through the same emotions w/ Bella and things that she used to do and is now too weak or things that she will miss out on in the future b/c of her illness. It's "hit or miss" when it comes to what will upset me and some days are better than others. You might consider making this a book someday, the way you write these things out is wonderful. It's a wake up call that we aren't the only ones feeling like this- but in a good way :)
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